Variable Andrew

Oh tank ye jebus

2007-04-03T20:16:00.000-04:00

Here is what some fuckface left as a comment:

I THINK YOU NEED TO COME TO GOD AND BELIEVE HIS WORD AND STOP CONDEMING IT.....JESUS CHRIST IS MY LORD AND SAVIOR,HE WILL COME BACK FOR HIS PEOPLE.....H

Thanks for that. Now, go eat shit and die.

kicking, but not high.

2007-02-08T23:46:00.000-05:00

still. I'll get back on this shit, asap. don't like it? fuck off.

Land of Pleasant Living

2005-12-11T23:10:00.000-05:00

So, let's see what's been going on:

*I had a leaf battle with the neighbors. They thought that since the leaves came from a tree in my yard, they should just blow the leaves out of their yard BACK into my yard. Yep, you go ahead and do that. Them bastards can sit. Andrew WINS.

*I had leaf battle part deux. They blow their leaves into the street as often as I drink a beer, since they like them to be sucked up by the township. Well, since we have 3 cars now, I conveniently parked one right in the pile. That's right. Now there is a big motherfucking pile of leaves in front of their house and nobody to haul it away. Take that you geriatric german assholes. Now it has snow on it. HA! Blow leaves in my yard again...Andrew WINS.

*Because of leaf battle part deux and the aforementioned snow, the storm drain downhill from their house is blocked (by them, of course) so now they have slush and ice and winterly unfriendliness in front of their house. Andrew WINS.

*Now, the other neighbors haven't shoveled their sidewalk. Too bad they couldn't keep their yard looking better than an abandoned property. Thee township shall knowith. Andrew WINS.

*So I got a snowblower from Pap. Old. Worked fine 2 years ago. Not Thursday night. Of course I wait until the last minute. So I shoveled the SOB out Friday around 6am. Then I stole Dad's snowblower. Then on Saturday, I fixed mine. Andrew WINS. Andrew's back does not win.

*Thursday I drove to work. About 1 mile from the joint, the pimp ride (For you not in the know: 1991 Honda Accord SE 172k miles. Yes, pimp ride.) started running rough and sounded like a Harley with a cam. I made it home. Following repairing the snow blower, I completed a full diagnosis: an exhaust valve is burnt. Now, I will just drive it around until the whole dirty bastard decides to let loose--which will be 200k miles+, oh yes it will--3.5 cylinders and all. Fuck it. Hook me up with some loot or a cheap ride.

*I've rediscoverd the band Clutch. Pete Joseph, get back up in it. The rest of you who don't know about this shit, get up on it. Just steal some or email me and I'll give you a tastin! It's gold. Solid.

*I was in Pittsburgh last weekend for the Steelers game. I'll spare the details, but Bill and I had a blast and got filthy drunk. Cheap. Email me for details and to hear about the bar where a midget walk on the bar and swings on a pole and pours shots out of the bottle down your throat and where they have liquid crack and college kids who will take us back to our hotel and as payment insist that we take some of their Miller Lite.

Enjoy this post. I might post again soon--let's get some action going...

It have been over one month now

2005-12-11T23:05:00.000-05:00

Not too much fall-out regarding my "non-posting". Oh well. Once you get used to something it doesn't bother you too much, you know.

Here's an interesting link I found regarding Blogs that the authors have with no knowledge to those that they know: Secret Posts. Thanks Kottke.

Let's see: some know about this joke of a blog of mine. most don't. nobody cares.

We have a winner!

2005-10-18T22:40:00.001-04:00

Yes Joe, Poundcake is the name of a Van Halen song. It was on the album I was ripping when I decided to give a little love to the blog.

Speaking of winners there are several here:
The Peoples of Hampden Township
Joe (as mentioned above)
Me
The kid I am about to tell a story about

So, this dope from Shiremanstown (Back OFF!!!) decides to take his Dad's car and drive to the Exxon. This Exxon is about a mile from my house and about a mile from Shiremanstown (Back OFF!!!). Just a regular night at the Exxon. Until this asshole decides he's going to rob the store--probably for some Newports and a couple blunts or some shit. The Indian (dot, not feather) guy tells him he's got no money and runs out the store. Someone pumping gas writes down the plate (of Dad's car) while the Indian (dot, not feather) runs to call the cops.

The dope is confronted by the Shiremanstown cops the next day. The cop told him to go "talk" with Barney or some cop in my twp. Instead, the dope takes the long way, stops at the Exxon again, stabs the Indian (dot, not feather) in the arm, stomach, face, and stuff. Then he goes to the police station (my police station) and tells Barney the whole deal about both nights. So if your robbery attempt gets shut down, you should go back and retalliate so you get caught on camera a SECOND time. YESSSS!

What the fuck? Time for some firepower...must convince wife...must convince wife...

Poundcake

2005-10-03T20:46:00.000-04:00

So I just checked out Blogsploitation. You should do the same.

Joe's got it right about the second bottle of Jager not being a good idea. Interestingly enough, I don't think that Joe and I have discussed Jager consumption recently. Our drug of choice is the Jagerbomb. Popularized by us and the whole bowling alley crowd (no I don't bowl) these $4.25 bastards are better than xanax. That's cheap too. We were at this bar in Hershey (yes, the chocolate place) and they were $7.25. But I digress...

About 2 weeks ago, I bought the big bottle of Jager. $40. I bought a case of Red Bull. $31.75. This has lasted quite awhile and has brought much joy and savings.

After the Penn State game, which was a win muthafuckers, we continued to drink. Somehow I got ripped out of a Jagerbomb.

I pitched a fit since the big-boy bottle of Jager was gone. Somehow another was retrieved. I don't ask.

Bad idea with that second bottle of Jager. We went to the Redskins/Seahawks game on Sunday, which was a win muthafuckers. Unfortunately, the second bottle of Jager but me on IR for most of the morning. When I finally could slug some beer, they were $7 at FedEx Field.

Goddamn second bottle of Jager. Speaking of which, I think there is still some left...

A weekend of Jager, Football Wins, and a want for Madden '06 here. Cheap.

P.S. I hope everyone enjoys the links. Also, quit leaving me spam b.s. comments. I will retaliate, assholes.

The Crystal Meth(od)

2005-09-22T21:42:00.000-04:00

I almost forgot.

This morning, I got up like I always do. 6-6:30ish. Whatever. I always wander out to the living room, turn the TV on and try to figure out what I am going to wear and eat during the day.

I always put the local news on. If you've lived here, you know that our roads are choked with traffic during the rush hour. They just simply aren't designed for the volume we have. Mass transit is non-existent. Drivers around here suck too. So, traffic is my deal. Maybe some other B.S. too.

Well, they've got streets closed in New Cumberland. Because of a meth lab. COOL! Maybe some of the crackheads around here will convert to iceheads. The best of both worlds!

Read about it here.

Watch it here.

All the radio stations were talking about this picture:

[url=http://img40.imagevenue.com/img.php?loc=loc91&image=4b0_0921_METHLAE.jpg][img=http://img40.imagevenue.com/loc91/th_4b0_0921_METHLAE.jpg][/url]

Not about meth in our little precious community, but because the one douchebag was flipping the camera off and it was on the front page of our worthless paper. For what it's worth, the "birds" were below the fold.

Argh.

Everyone I know who owned one loved it.

2005-09-22T21:03:00.000-04:00

Calling all you peeps

Let me know what's going on.

Joe
Keke
Buck
Norris
Anyone who feels like sharing

uh, that isn't dust. that is corrosion.

2005-09-22T20:59:00.000-04:00

I never reviewed the weddings I was at over the first weekend of the month.

They both went really well. Despite being on opposite sides of the state. I drank too many Long Island Iced Teas at the second one. LIITs are how I remembered that I never wrote about these weddings. Humph. Yep, I could drink one.

Nick and Jenn's was easily the nicest wedding that I will ever go to. No questions asked.

Ricky and Susan's was almost as simple as mine. Simplicity is the name of my game.

Great weather, great friends, good shit.

She asked me why, I just went on and told her

2005-09-20T21:34:00.000-04:00

My computer time is occupied by the following things (not necessarily in order of importance or in time spent):

craigslist automotive forum
I really enjoy going on here. Not only can I help people out, but I can learn things as well. It's great fun. I like antagonizing people. That's probably what I miss the most from being in school--some good 'ol makin people feel like the moron they are. It provides such a boost to my self esteem, even to this day.

Job searching
This is a constant. Anyone who isn't looking for a job is lying to you or an idiot.

Looking for music to steal
The way I figure it, I have enough CDs and shit that I don't listen to, so I can swipe some shit off of the Internets and listen to that instead. It's all about balance. I just have to make sure that the ratio of swiped music to unlistened to music stay close. Oh yeah, go here for music and movies. Yes it's free, fuckers. E-Junkie

News
Sports, local, national, whatever. If you don't understand this, fuck off.

Lately, I've been listening to:
40 Below Summer
Pink Floyd Live 8
The Sopranos Soundtrack
NIN The Hand that Feeds
Some RL Burnside

The Devil's Rejects

2005-08-29T18:22:00.000-04:00

I enjoy checking in on Post Secret every week or so. I should read it more often. You should read it too. The whole concept is brilliant. It's really interesting how honest people are under the shroud of anonymity.

Also, somehow I forgot to mention that Craigslist has come to Harrisburg. This happened a couple of months ago (I forget when), and I have enjoyed it ever since. Craigslist was cool before, but it was just a little irrelevant seeing as how the closest one's were Philly and PGH. I enjoy the automobile forum. It's funny how ignorant people are under the shroud of anonymity.

That hurricane shit sucks too. Time for some dinner...

Mechburg on McSweeney's

2005-08-25T13:36:00.000-04:00

Check it out here.

breffisst

2005-08-25T09:31:00.000-04:00

I think that I am going to get a part-time job just so I can buy breakfast everyday. That seems like a fair trade-off, no?

Fucking idiots, I tell you what.

Clack clack bang bang

2005-08-25T09:21:00.000-04:00

In light of the recent crime, my tendencies to be out in public at hours of the day when shit gets robbed, and close proximity to crime scenes, I have decided to finally exercise my constitutional right to bear arms.

.380 vs. .357 vs. .45 vs. .44 All have their merits. All will fuck up your day if you fuck with me.

I saw a sticker a Pep Boys once that said, "I don't dial 9-1-1, I dial .357" Ha ha ha.

Remember this guy in Happy Gilmore? He had this cool shirt that said, "Guns don't kill people, I kill people." Ha ha ha.

More on this later.

Law and Order

2005-08-25T08:41:00.000-04:00

Great show. Decided I could live with about 10 channels--as long as TNT and USA are two of them--love the re-runs.

Anywho, lots of crime here in HamTown, Mechburg. There go my fucking taxes. In the past 3 or 4 days the following have been robbed in my township, and all with in 3 miles of my crib:

Sierra Madre Saloon-This was some chicken shit 3am crap when all of the employees were leaving. This place is stupid anyway, but I don't like to see the innocent herded around like cattle so some cracker can get a couple bucks.

7-Eleven-Oh thank heaven! WTF Habib? You don't have the cameras on at 3am? I'm sure you got those shits rolling during the day to make sure nobody throws out an empty cup when they pour slurpy into it that looks like water. Oh yeah, that sign on the door saying there is less than $50 in the register. That's B.S. The robber got ~$300 out of the drawer.

Hooters-(see Weekend of Fury, Part 1.) I am so pissed that I didn't think of this before. A restaurant full of girls. Well there are some guys, but they are a bunch of wankers. Chrissakes, they got the job there in hopes of scoring a date with an 18 year old. Buddy, you're 27, think your Cavalier is hot shit, live with your mom, and let the place get robbed. SCORE! This was an obvious place to hit. I missed the boat.

Also ripped off was an A-Plus in Camp Hill. You know, the one across the street from Friendly's, on the corner of Market and 32nd. Their camera worked. The cops matched up descriptions and arrested the dude in swat-team style. Cool.

Paul Bunyan, bitches

2005-08-25T08:19:00.000-04:00

Some of you have been to my new crib. Thanks for coming. Please come again (preferably when you want to help with yard work or painting). I've already devised a system for mowing the lawn that works well for me. While the front yard and back yard have different square footage of mowable grass (how mowable it really is, is up for debate since I live on the side of a fucking mountain), I split the two halves up for two different days.

This accomplishes several things: hurts my knees less, allows for greater consumption of beer, and allows for more frequent use of power equipment.

See, if I mow the front yard, which takes only 30 min, that leaves plenty of time for weed wackers and chainsaws and chemicals and beer.

Before I borrowed the chainsaw, the weedwacker was my favorite. No more. I am a chainsaw wielding ninja now. I treat the chainsaw as a reward. It works similar to this:

"My oh my Andrew, this yard looks great. In fact you did such a nice job mowing the side of the fucking mountain, why don't you go ahead and fire up the chainsaw as a reward!"

And that's how it goes. I have 3 or 4 piles of shit lying in various places that need to be hauled away, but I keep cutting more down. In fact, the chainsaw is just as much fun on small branches too--no need to reserve it for the thick shit.

Send me to the lumberjack competition...

weekend of fury, pt. 2.

2005-08-11T09:24:00.000-04:00

So, Iron Mike organized a killer event for Nick. What a nice brother, you know, to get a hold of all of your closest (and some not-so-close) friends to eat, drink, and be merry to welcome the end of your life as you now know it.

Joe was kind enough to pick me up in Mechburg with his, albeit temporary, pimp co. car. We met up at Nick and Jed's. Beer began. Some pong, some bullshitting. Mike ran one group of guys down to the bar (O'Neals) and came back to get us fools. Jed+Andrew+Joe+backseat of BMW 3-Series=bad news.

We arrive at O'Neals, fashionably late but all of the non-important people were there already enjoying themselves. Open bar from 6-9:30 (Read: OPEN BAR, which included the liquor I badmouthed in weekend of fury, pt. 1.) and a buffet-style spread including wings, perogies, ribs, salad, and I forget what else.

We rolled out of there around 10. A cab driver who looks like the guy that runs the 7-11 near my house took us to Club Risque. Now, we were gonna go to Delila's or some shit. The barmaid at O'Neals told us we'd be better off at Club Risque, even though it was a little shady. Well, this was the shadiest stip club I've ever been to that had Lamborghinis and Hummers parked out front. This place was nicer than most restuarants I would eat at. Dude in the bathroom to squirt soap on your hand, hand you a paper towel, etc. I can't really get into much else, but suffice it to say it was mobbed with good stuff. They served alcohol too. That earns bonus points.

We left there around 2am, Wayne drove Nick, Joe and I back to Nick's were we inhaled some Wawa. The drinking resumed and ended around 9am with about 4 miller lite's left and about 3 shots of Maker's Mark left. We sat outside on the balcony and watched people go to work and church while sipping Maker's Mark and Miller Lite. 4pm Sat. to 9am Sun. were my drinking hours. Hmm. Good effort. Cheers to Scott for driving our drunk, sleep-deprived asses home. I was home by 11am and proceded to sleep until dinner...

Congrats Nick. I had a hell of time!

weekend of fury, pt. 1

2005-08-11T09:08:00.000-04:00

So anyways, last weekend was quite a busy one for little old me. Looking back, I can't even really believe the shit that went down.

Friday night: Bachelor party. Saturday night: Bachelor party.

Friday night's started with $300+ of food off of Hooter's catering menu. Good stuff. I know some of you don't particularly care for the Hooter's concept or their wings, but I enjoy both. Granted, these wings were of the breaded variety (ask for them 'naked'--trust me, after a little while they get soggy with the breading), but I thoroughly enjoyed them simply by dipping them in the 911 sauce. Mini samiches all around, which I am still eating as leftovers almost 1 week later. Brown lettuce isn't that good, so I take that off at this point in the game.

After Hooter's we ran up to the State Street Station in West Fairview (which is kind of like Enola in that it is equally as dumpy and filled with white teens who mistakenly believe they are black). I enjoy this establishment because all they have is beer. None of that liquor shit. It really simplifies things tremendously in large groups that are taking turns buying rounds. None of that, "I need to captain and ginger, vodka and diet cran, malibu and diet--no ice, a mike's hard dick, a bud, blah blah, slippery nipple, kamikaze, etc.". It's much better getting a pitcher of a domestic light beer and a pitcher of a domestic non-light beer.

After the Station, we headed to Harrisburg for the ballet, er, strip joint. Oasis truly is an Oasis. An Oasis of crap. Filled with a bunch of weirdos. Girls were nothing spectacular, however they were completely nekkid. $15 cover. They now have a 'juice bar'. Translated, that means near-beer and soda. $5 ea. Or you can just stand out in the parking lot a drink out of the back of a van, which is what we did. The cops don't mind either.

I highly recommend stopping at a party supply place to get plastic shot glasses prior to any tailgating event involving shots. The convenience...ah...so nice.

Overall, a decent night. I couldn't get too wacked since Phila. was calling my name the next night...

baysball

2005-08-02T16:52:00.000-04:00

anyway, the wife got free tix to the Harrisburg Senators (AA Minor League Team for the Nationals) through work.

so what the fuck, let's go. we went with her friends from work. we had a good time.

the fools who sat down behind us were not. i would have to say that the annoying lady was a lesbian, because of her butch appearance and nothing else. yes, old andrew is stereotyping. get over it. the only problem is that she is too much of a dumb drunk hick to realize her lesbian tendencies.

"hit that baysball on up there!", she exclaimed.

whateverthefuck that means. needless to say, we left after this bitch wouldn't shut up and after we each had 3 $4.75 miller lite drafts.

lesson learned: pregame prior to minor league contests as well. when sitting in gen. adm. just move when annoyinghickdrunkdyke sits behind you.

pink floyd

2005-07-18T20:21:00.000-04:00

so i came across the live 8 pink floyd tracks. i enjoy them very much. they are raw and unrefined which makes them strikingly good...thoughts?

comfortably numb is my fav of the 4. if you are too inept to find them on your own, email me and i'll give you the hook up...

woosh...woosh...woosh...woosh

moving sucks

2005-07-15T16:44:00.000-04:00

Moving to a new place can be a good thing...I am glad we moved. It's the details that suck.
utilities
packing
unpacking
organizing

You know that uneasy feeling you have when you forgot something at home while you are on vacation? Yep, I've had that for about 2 weeks now.

Some things went well. Some didn't.

Initially, we were going to scrap the land line b.s. and just use our cell phones. Well, Verizon Wireless' extraordinary service area fucked that up. I am 50 yards from the largest non-interstate in the county. Two bars. Yipee. I now have a land line again. Not the same number though. Maybe if you are nice and email me, I'll give it to you (no homo--thanks BC).

Today, I dealt with the yard for the first time. Honestly, if the yard was kept up with, this house would have commanded a higher asking price. There's nothing too horrendous, just neglect--for fuck's sake, weed your flower beds and trim the bushes.

It looks like a golf course compared to the neighbors' though. They WILL shape up. The township code enforcement officer is my new friend. There's a new prick in town...THIS IS WHAT YOU'LL HAVE AND YOU'LL LIKE IT. It's okay with me if your lawn gets a little high, but this shit is ridiculous. I will take pictures to illustrate my point. I just have to find my camera's cord...meh...

We'll see what happens when a 20-something couple moves in between two 60+ households...only time will tell.

I'm beat...

Potpourri

2005-07-07T07:25:00.000-04:00

Well, long time no post. The wife and I are staying at Dad's house until the bitches move out of ours next week. No big deal. Central Air is nice along with assorted bottled things to drink, i.e. gatorade, coke, and water. Luxury. And after tonite, HD TV. I'll report on that shit. I've seen it before, but I need more exposure to really give you an accurate review.

Okay, let's see here...

Tom Cruise-You are a moron. That's all the brain power I will waste on you.

NYC vs. London vs. Paris vs. Etc.-Good NYC, you lost. Contrary to popular belief, NYC is not the center of the universe. One less thing to hear you run your mouths about.

London Explosions-Tony Blair said it is "reasonably clear" that the blasts were terror attacks. Tony, I like you, but NO SHIT. See if you can figure out who and why. G8? Olympics? Al Qaeda? IRA?

Baltimore Orioles-Nice job blowing the whole show. Get some fucking pitching. Sammy, get lost.

Kenny Rogers-Moron. If you didn't bow out of the All-Star game yet, what is your hold up?

Lance Armstrong-Holy shit. I heard this old boy's heart is 2/3 bigger than average. Damn. Is he sure he wants to retire yet? Looks like he's still got it.

Live 8-I didn't catch much of this. I did happen to catch Pink Floyd being talked over by some stupid Vh1 intern or something. TV stations really dropped the ball on this. Who gives a fuck about Mariah Carey...PINK FUCKING FLOYD. Argh.

It's Thursday. Send some email I can read next week here.

The government decided that Variable Andrew is not appropriate work viewing material. Morons didn't block the url for posting...yet...

drown

2005-06-21T16:49:00.000-04:00

Anyway, how about another post for today? Don't get fucking used to it...

Here's my story:

Last Friday night, after a stint at the bar, I find myself on the computer around 1am. No biggy. My computer is in the front of the house, so I am afforded a complete view of our apartment complex's parking lot. Around 1:15 a cop car rolls in and turns around in the empty spot adjacent to my place. "WTF?" I thought...this guy better not have 'DUI for Andrew' on his mind. So he pulls over in front of the other apt. building, parks, and goes in the second unit upon the door being answered. I went to bed at 1:45 and he was still there.

Saturday morning, I wander downstairs, 10:30-11:00. I look out the window to see what appears to be an unmarked car turning around in the empty spot adjacent to my place. He drives over to the dumpster, parks, gets out (wearing a suit, mind you), opens and looks in both sides of the dumpster, and wanders around back of the other building. He comes back around, gets in the car and leaves. As he is pulling out, the aforementioned second unit door opens and the chick that lives there watches him leave.

Sunday morning, after drinking too much beer the previous night a Nick's folks' house, I get up around 10:30-11:00 to see who left a message on my machine at such an insane time of day. I look out the window and see this unmarked car come into the lot, turn around two doors down from me and go park in front of the other building. He walks over to the end unit (opposite side from 2nd unit in chick). The front door opens and I see my dickhead neighbor talking to him with no shirt on. I'll explain why he is a dickhead later... They both enter the house, with the door open and both exit 1 minute later. They both get in the car and leave. All the while this is going on, the opposite end unit chick is watching. Her guy comes to the door, sticks his head out and darts back in. As the car is leaving, chick and dude from second unit in, peer around the corner from the outside of the end unit.

Fast forward to last night. On the 6 o'clock news, they mention this ongoing crime spree. Somebody is breaking into local pizza joints and stealing the entire cash register. There's been about 5 so far. Well, they got their guy. My neighbor, Anthonio Scottodicarlo, or some shit.

Check out ABC27's coverage here.

As soon as seeing that fucking story, I looked at my wife and said,

"Holy Fucking Shit! There were cash registers in the dumpster last week!" There was a little doubt, because I THOUGHT I recognized the pic of him. Put all of this together with the "Police Roundup" in today's paper and my speaking with others, this is the guy. Also, there is an envelope taped to their front door this afternoon with his name on it. It's from my landlord, and I'd be willing to bet it's an eviction notice. HA!

Here's why I hate the guy:
-A couple of years ago he had this crotch rocket. Whenever starting it or arriving home to turn it off, he would rev it up for at least 10 minutes. Annoying. Pal, I understand you've got yourself a bike. Just turn the sucker off before I come out and kick it over while you sleep.

-I recognized this guy from somewhere. Turns out he owned a pizza shop (wonder where he got the idea for the robberies). He bought the aforementioned bike from a guy that I used to work with. Joel, sold him the bike, and received payment in the form of cash wrapped in foil. Whatever, pizza dudes are weird. Especially those who hardly speak english. Joel counted it and it was off--by almost 1 grand. Tony told Joel to fuck off or he'd get shot. Cheap bastard. You're real tough now. That was money that Joel needed.

-The crotch rocket disappeared and a cast on his leg appeared. Huh? I wonder. Well, this cast didn't keep him from wandering across the parking lot all fucked up to tell me he just had a daughter and that I'd better slow down in the parking lot. Well stud, you should talk. You are the asshole referenced in the 6/3/05 post. Besides, why would you allow your 3 week old daughter to play in the parking lot? FUCKER.

-Dirty looks everytime he'd be outside and see Ricky or I leave or anyone leave.

-Never wears a shirt. First, your ink is gay. Second, nobody wants to see your hairy chest and beer gut.

-Real big into cocaine: powda and rocka. Thanks for sharing. The only part of that you shared was the traffic in my parking lot--people delivering it or looking for you to pay them.

Update: Chick from second unit in just got home. Before even going into her house, she walked up to see what was on old Tony's door.

3 The Hard Way

2005-06-21T11:53:00.000-04:00

Here's a random one for you.

Years ago, I worked at a Car Wash. No big deal. Anyways, the lobby had this 4"x4" blue tile with 1/4 inch grout. This grout used to be white, but over time it turned gray. One time, at the request of the genius operations mgr. we painted it white. Since nothing could clean it, he apparently thought it was a good idea. It was not. So I scraped it off with mineral spirits and a wire brush. Still dirty.

I've noticed the new white grout turn gray in many a place. The bathroom here at work is no different. The grout on the walls is still white, but the grout on the floor has long since changed gray or brown or whateverthefuck color it is.

Except for a spot directly in front of the urinals. Urine is the magic cure for dirty grout.

Maybe shaking it twice isn't playing with yourself; it's cleaning the grout.

Send a chemical breakdown of urine so I can make a grout cleaner here.

Streets of Laredo

2005-06-13T17:42:00.000-04:00

Anywhow, I won't mention the MJ case. Honestly, what did you expect?

We spent a long weekend at the beach house. It was nice, however too short. In that short time though, idiots were in abundance.

Suffice it to say, our condo is at a smaller beach in Delaware. So, we were walking down the main street of shops and fries and popcorn and arcades and shit. At the corner, as we await to cross the street, this kid pulls up in a Land Rover Defender with 8 foot surfboards hanging out the back.

What the fuck? First off pal, I'm not impressed with your intellegence or your yellow truck. YOU ARE IN DELAWARE IN JUNE. There are never any waves in DE that necessitate surfboards that are as tall as you, let alone in June. Second, good thing you got that overpriced piece of shit that will sit in a parking lot, because there are no vehicles allowed on the beach I am referring to. Third, yellow is gay. Fourth, flip that collar down. If mommy didn't iron it down, it might look better, but that crease the whole way around makes you look like a douche. Fifth, you might want to get a color other than pink for that stud shirt. Sixth, having greasy and messy long hair that covers your ears is stupid.

I won't even get into what I saw in ocean shitty. Senior Week should explain it all.

Times Like These

2005-06-08T20:17:00.000-04:00

Anyway, I picked up the wonderful Harrisburg Patriot-News today. I do this everyday, for a lack of other worthwhile daily newspapers in the area.

Now, it's no secret that The Patriot-News is a shitty paper. Harrisburg is a shitty city--with a lot of shitty people living in/around it. If you've read the paper, you know what I mean: case in point, Sara Bozich. I won't get into my whole beef with her, but her even having a job with The Patriot-News is indicative of the substandard quality of the paper itself. (Go ahead, let her know about this entry; she won't care--too busy writing about her foray onto 2nd St. last weekend .).

So, back to the subject at hand: I picked up The Patriot-News. On the front is an article about John Kerry and George W. Bush's grades while at Yale. (I assume it was written by the AP, but anway) GPAs: JK=76 GWB=77. All of the sudden, it turns out Andrew was right: WHO GIVES A FUCK WHAT YOUR GPA WAS? I didn't and still don't.

I went to Penn State and they went to Yale. The difference in "reputation" doesn't quite offset my GPA vs. theirs. Therefore, I received better grades in college than the President and the Not-President. Their fathers paid more than my father did! Ha! Of course, what I would really like to know what their salary at age 26 was...

Like a freight train...

2005-06-03T16:19:00.000-04:00

...I keep comin' with new shit all of the sudden.

Anyway, we live in a townhouse. There are a total of 8 here in our "complex". Nice enough place, reasonable rent (eat your hearts out NYC dwellers--$545/mo. biatch!), decent neighbors, etc.

Here's a question: Why do my neighbors keep hiding their cars in the back yards following a high speed trip into the parking lot? I just saw a different neighbor do it today.

Okay, I gotta go...better park the Jeep in the back yard in case I am missing something.

Braintrust at work

2005-06-03T16:09:00.000-04:00

Oh wait, I have something funny. At work, I have been listening to music--"borrowed" and my own. I was listening to the new Chemical Brothers album. A guy I work with walks up to me and says, "Watcha listenin' to, man?"

I reply, "Chemical Bros."

He counters, "Oh cool man. I didn't know you liked that kind of music."

I respond, "Sure do. Good shit."

He replies, "You must LOVE Beck then."

Dumbfoundedly, simply to get him to leave because the conversation was making me dumber, I reply, "Yeah, sure do, he's alright."

This was a couple of weeks ago--I still don't get it.

Funny Business

2005-06-03T16:02:00.000-04:00

While at the moment, I am lacking in wisdom for you, I am not lacking in entertainment.

Be warned, click on this link if you don't have a couple hours of free time. This is actually better than the badgers.

Go here. Read what is in the box; to see more, click "reload" below the blue email address.

I enjoy it very much.

New tunes

2005-05-31T16:53:00.000-04:00

My latest endeavor with the new computer is downloading music off of the internet. No, none of that P2P shit. I like finding shit elsewhere. Share your sources with me, and I'll share mine.

It's nice to have the entire new Audioslave album a week before it comes out, no?

Any thoughts on the following new(ish) albums?
Audioslave
NIN
Garbage
Beck

calm the fuck down

2005-05-31T16:42:00.000-04:00

I am truly sorry for the lack of postings here. Busy with other shit. Buying a house, drinking beer, etc. I hope I have some quality things to contribute to your thoughts.

Well, let's see here...oh yeah. My friends' band played at Harrisburg's Arts Fest on Sunday. Arts Fest closes a couple blocks of Front Street and artisans and food vendors set up to peddle their wares. So, we went down to see them play. That was the only part that was agreeable to me.

First, there are too many fucking people. Second, there were too many dirty hippies. Third, there were too many dirty hippies allowing their 5 year old daughters to run around without a shirt or underwear on. Fourth, too many "alternative" (maybe they are something different now) idiots running around with black nail polish and iPods (why are you watching one band perform and listening to another? Hmmm...genius). Fifth, strollers--For fuck's sake, I am not hard to miss--you know, 6'3", 200+ lbs., standing in one place. Apparently, this dumb twat lady didn't see me there and ran into my fucking shin 3 times. The goddamn kid in the stroller wasn't even cute.

I've decided that I do not belong in public. Except at bars. And the grocery store. And the beer store. And at K-Mart.

My god your an idiot.

2005-04-30T12:01:00.000-04:00

At 4:26 AM, Anonymous said...

My god your an idiot.

At 4:43 PM, Andrew says:

You are a fucking idiot.
Let's examine why:

1)You arrived at my page because you searched for "kandoo download song"

2)You arrived at my page at 4:26 AM.

3)You were google-ing "kandoo download song" at 4:26 AM.

4)Your grammar. Your comment should have read "My God, you're an idiot."

God is a proper noun, therefore it should be capitalized whether you believe in him/her or not. "Your" shows posession; I don't have "an idiot" that did anything. You really were looking for a way around saying "you are", which is "you're".

5)Only idiots hide behind anonymity.

6)You spent 6 minutes and 10 seconds on my page--interesting stuff, eh?

You are only making Canadians look bad. I am sorry there is no hockey, but get over it.

Here is your host name: toronto-HSE-ppp4159550.sympatico.ca

Here is your IP Address: 70.51.138.240

Thanks, and y'all come back now!!!

be quiet and drive (far away)

2005-04-28T16:29:00.000-04:00

I really do feel guilty about not posting with some substance. Not too guilty though.

I see lots of stupid cars driving around here. You know, the ones that are all "done up" (fuck, I hate that term). The nice thing about "done up" doesn't mean that these cars look good.

On Monday afternoon, I was behind a Chevy Corsica (lame) with JL Audio stickers all over it. Across the top it said something "rydas". Let me tell you what, it also had those big-ass speaker boxes you get for your 6x9s to put on your rear deck from Wal-Mart. This was a gay car.

Here are some even gayer cars. Now I know where these asshole Americans get the ideas.

don't crash the ambulence

2005-04-27T22:06:00.000-04:00

The Orioles are in first place. That is a beautiful thing.

I am surprised that nobody let me know about being MESMERIZED. Damn thing gets me every time.

Buying a house is such a fucking racket. Why the fuck is title insurance so expensive? A state transfer fee? Give me a fucking break. Eliminate some paper and save some money. How about encouraging home ownership and neighborhood pride by making it easier to buy a home without having the need for a couple g's out of pocket? They get you coming and going. Pricks.

At least I won't be sharing any walls with fuckfaceedmyneighbor. such an asshole. i hope the peeps that move in next are worse than us. that'll show him. cocksucker.

More later...but just so you know, escrow blows.

crapola

2005-04-26T18:57:00.000-04:00

I've been busy making a very large purchase. Nobody has complained about the lack of updates though. Oh well.

wtf?

2005-04-15T20:45:00.000-04:00

Explain this to me. I am looking for an explanation for the entire concepts involved. I would try to, but I wouldn't want to get it wrong...

Don't ask

2005-04-15T20:41:00.000-04:00

Just thought I would pass this on...

PREPARE TO BE MESMERIZED

my absence

2005-04-15T20:40:00.000-04:00

not that any of you care, but I've been busy trying to buy a goddamnmotherfucking house so my time is divided between house shit and alcoholism with sleep and work mixed in there.

everybody pays

2005-04-05T18:31:00.000-04:00

The funniest thing I have seen in professional sports as of late are the Lakers. Stupid fucking Kobe. Go ahead asshole, drive Shaq and Phil out. See if you get close to the playoffs. Uh, you're not going to the playoffs. Good thing you ran everbody out. COCK. Of course, maybe Lakers ownership/management is worse than Kobe...

That's what you deserve for having such a big head. Shit, the Lakers should have gotten rid of you...at least they'd be in the playoffs this season. Shaq will send you a postcard.

Eat shit, Kobe. And do it while Shaq is in the playoffs.

sucker row

2005-04-05T18:25:00.000-04:00

I've done a poor job at posting on a regular basis. Sorry about that. If you have a problem, FUCK YOU.

Peter Jennings has lung cancer. For those of you not in the know, Peter Jennings is the standard by which all news anchors should be measured. Tune in to ABCNews to see him.

Brokaw, Rather, BAH!

Perhaps the most interesting thing, which unless you are a Peter Jennings fan, is that he was Canadian until a couple of years ago. Imagine anchoring an American national news program and being a citizen of a different country. Fuck, I get confused on domestic issues...imagine the task at hand for Peter.

So, he is great. If you have a problem with that, FUCK YOU. Shit, foxnews.com had this news as "BREAKING NEWS", so you know I am right.

That Schiavo lady

2005-04-04T23:09:00.000-04:00

Nobody can spell her name right:
Terry
Terri
Teri
I have no idea how to spell it now. Oh well, Orioles are in 1st place.

yuh huh

2005-04-04T23:08:00.000-04:00

Orioles are in 1st place.

The stupidest thing I heard all week

2005-04-02T16:04:00.000-05:00

Everyone knows about Teri Schiavo and the Pope. Both have now died. Somebody I know said,

"Shit, people think when the Pope dies there's gonna be a big deal. Ha, wait 'til Teri Schiavo dies."

I've mentioned on this blog my opinions about religion and Teri Schiavo. But that has to be the stupidest thing I have heard all week. If I need to explain why that is stupid, let me know.

Again, people in my neck of the woods are showing their lack of a brain.

Argh...

2005-03-30T17:23:00.000-05:00

Some idiot IT guy at work fucked up, so I can now access *.blogspot.com domains again. Back to my blog surfing to kill time while I work.

Anyway, blog people, listen here:

Using the following words to describe your blog is the most cliche and banal thing you could do. These words include, but are not limited to:
musing(s)
rambling(s)
rumination(s)
rant(s)
rave(s)
mishmash
random
insight(s)

For fuck's sake, quit looking for adjectives to describe your blog, and write already. Geez...

P.S. typin lIk dis iz prety gAy 2. lurn 2 uze propr inglish d00sh bagg. u b foolin yo self.

P.P.S. What the fuck is with all these people calling themselves "emo"? What the fuck?

What I Learned today, By Andrew

2005-03-28T16:56:00.000-05:00

1) Analyzing is really spelled analizing, this according to a rocket scientist who works in the warehouse on base. I am suspicious that the reason our troops don't have what the need may be due to the idiots that ship it...just an idea.

2) Pharmacists can now be considered assholes. Due to the beliefs of some pharmacists, some are refusing to fill birth control and morning after prescriptions. What the fuck? The pharmacists have a right to refuse filling a prescription because it objects to their religious or moral beliefs? For fuck's sake, vegans don't work at Outback Steakhouse, so maybe pharmacists will have to get a new job. If they are allowed to not fill prescriptions, then I hope no vegans or vegetarians get a job at Wendy's or any other meat-serving establishment:

Andrew: "Yes, I'd like a Classic Double with cheese combo."

Assholeveganwendysworker: "I'm sorry sir, I find eating meat offensive, so I won't sell you any. Today we have side salads and fruit on the menu."

Andrew: "I'm sorry. I forgot to say please..."

Assholeveganwendysworker: "Not a problem sir. I still will not sell you any animal byproducts. Would you like a caesar or garden salad today?"

Dave Thomas would roll over in his grave...

If you want to see me go fuckingapeshit, get a job at Rite Aid or any establishment that sells something that is immoral or sacreligious to you and is something I want. Go ahead. I will come across that counter so fast, you won't know how your faggot pharmacist coat got wrapped around your fucking neck or how you ended up hanging from the kitchen ceiling by the strings of your stupid apron.

I will then proceed to take what I need and leave payment on the counter. You see, it is against my morals and religion to tolerate assholes.

Believe what you like just don't involve me in it you inconsideratefuckingcocksuckingassholefaggotpieceofshitontheground.

Moral: Don't mess with my birth control or my beef.

Aww, crap

2005-03-24T17:27:00.000-05:00

I am sick of hearing about Terri Schiavo. Regardless of how you feel about the government's involvement or about end-life-issues, you have to admit this is a tough situation. Don't even think that you can imagine yourself in it, because you can't. So quit yer bitchin'. Just be glad you and those you love are okay and hope you never have to deal with a situation like that.

Speaking of sick, this kid in Minnesota is sick. What the fuck buddy? Stupid fuck. Thanks to Kottke, here's a link to this dope's website. He writes rather well, but it bugs the shit out of me to see pix of Nirvana on there. He was 3 years old when Nevermind came out. Don't try to relate yourself to Cobain. I'm not condoning what Cobain did, b/c he acted like an asshole.

Which brings me to the Doors. Overrated. They really weren't that good, Jim Morrison dying really helped them out.

I don't really want to hear your arguments about Cobain not being an asshole or the Doors being overrated.

Aww, fudge

2005-03-24T17:21:00.000-05:00

It's been a while--again. I've been fighting other battles. I have accomplished some important computer-related tasks.
1) Finally got my PocketPC to sync with my desktop.
2) Finally installed Photoshop and Illustrator. I think I need some upgrades for them. I have Illustrator 9.0 and Photoshop 5.0. If anyone knows where I can get them, lemme know.
3) Finally fixed the goddamnmuthafuckin quicktime hogging flash in firefox. If you have problems viewing webpages with flash, lemme know. I gots the hookup.
4) Related to #1, installed MS Outlook.

I got crap for software with this new pc. I wanted to spend money on the computer itself. I love microsoft (which many don't) but their shit is too expensive. I got the hookup though. It'll all be Office 2000, because there is some pirate protection with XP Office. Fuckers. If anyone knows about this or how to get around it, lemme know. It'd be sweet if everything was XP.

girls, girls, girls

2005-03-16T16:40:00.000-05:00

sorry for the delay...this is one of everyone's favorites I believe.

hmmm...

what to think

2005-03-16T16:31:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure what to think. A friend of mine came across one of Nikki's (the blonde above) pictures and Norah and I found the rest. Well, this got me to thinking about this sort of thing. None of Nikki's pix are nekkid, I would have to presume that could be the next logical step.

For some reason (I don't remember why...drunk probably) Adam and I were messaging about this girl that him and I both nailed several years ago. I had always heard that she moved to State College and it was rumored that she became a stripper. Anywho, Adam mentioned the name of the place and I found their website. No nekkid pix of her, but she is on there. I gotta figure out how to hack into that shit and look at her gallery.

Soooooooooo, my questions are these:

How many other girls from high school do work similar to Nikki?

Who would you all guess these girls to be?

How many of you can say you fucked a stripper?

It would be nice if the rest of the world (other than my friends) would comment.

Treat me right

2005-03-09T16:37:00.000-05:00

I can't explain the title for this post except that it's on the radio.

A while back, I bitched about all of the credit card offers I get in the mail. Today I received 3. That's about the norm. Some of these places I have never heard from and some I have.

On Monday, I received 2 religious solicitations. I am anti-religion. If you don't like it, too bad. If you can be religious, then I can be anti-religious. How these people decided to send this shit to me, I have no idea. I don't push my anti-religion on you, so don't push your religion on me, pricks.

Mailer #1
Northwest Evangelism Institute Vancouver, WA
Presented by surewordministries.org

So I look to see if this is addressed to me. Well, I guess I am "Resident" Anyway, I flip this thing over and see "COUNTDOWN TO ARMAGEDDON". I won't go on. You people that sent me this shit are fucking stupid. Get a life and a real job. I saw the thing about Benny Hinn being a sham, and you are the same. Eat shit and die.

Mailer #2
I don't remember, where this came from. Enclosed was a paper "prayer rug" with Jesus' picture on it. A paper prayer rug. Honestly. Norah got the same thing. We can't figure out how we got on these people's mailing lists.

Anyway, what the fuck. I would think that religious organizations have better things to do with their money than send out mass mailings. I guess not...never mind the homeless, the hungry, the lonely, the sick. Send warnings about armageddon to people who know you are full of shit. Nice job.

Listen to this:

2005-03-01T19:20:00.000-05:00

"The whole Iranian nation is united against any threat or attack. If the invaders reach Iran, the country will turn into a burning hell for them."

Iranian President Mohammad Khatami, in a speech to a crowd in Tehran. The country has faced increasing U.S. pressure due to its nuclear program.

Newsweek; 2/21/05; Pg. 21.

"That's a good one you towel-wearing fuck. Quit worrying about nukes and worry about why your people still have dirt floors to eat off of. The U.S. will fuck you up."

Andrew, CEO of Variable Andrew, responding to fucking idiot Iranian remarks.

variableandrew.blogspot.com; 3/1/05; "Listen to this:"

Stand and deliver

2005-03-01T17:42:00.000-05:00

No, not the lame ghetto mathematics movie with Edward James Olmos (or whoeverthefuck). I said links were coming. They are here. They are sites that I frequent or enjoy. I will add more, but I need another beer. If you want your site linked, let me know. I will consider posting it. If I posted a link to your site, and you don't want it here, let me know. I will consider deleting it, if you have a real valid reason. (After deleting it, you will recieve a public flogging at this site.)

Andrew and the staff here at VariableAndrew are not responsible for the content of any site listed in the links section. Be advised, some of the sites may contain adult material. Andrew and the staff here at VariableAndrew do not guarantee the safety of any of these sites for viewing at work (Shit, the Fed. Govt. blocked 'em).

I'm sorry to delay the debut of "Linkage". I know you all were just on the edge of your seat...motherfuckers.

Sore subject

2005-03-01T17:02:00.000-05:00

Joe brought up the point that sports get talked about too much on blogs. This is semi-sports related. Sorry. Jim Rome is Burning is now on in the afternoon. I like him because he calls people out. They usually deserve it. I guarantee whoever gets called out by Rome hates him from that point on. Anyway, to my point. I just caught the end of his show today. Ron Jeremy was invited to speak at some Oxford thing in England. Rome went on about great people that spoke there (i.e. Malcolm X, Pres. Reagan, etc.) and how Ron Jeremy will speak about how he "degraded women hopped up on crank". Rome, I agree with you alot, but you are a FUCK. Those women weren't held at gunpoint and forced to take Ron's 24 inch cock (or however big it is--a little (hahaha) help here). They signed up for it. Women do porn because they want to do it. jesus f. christ Rome, insecure?

Is Rome insecure in his manhood?
How big is Ron Jeremy's shaft?

Let me know.

Kill the "headlights" and put it in neutral

2005-03-01T16:47:00.000-05:00

The wife and I have been to Hooters twice in two weeks for dinner. Anybody have a girlfriend or wife that wouldn't go to Hooters? I've seen quite the diverse crowd in their for dinner. The place does not offend me, but after all of the uproar here in Mech'burg, I wouldn't expect to see grandmas and toddlers in there.

The food has been good. The service has been good. Prices seem fair--except $12.?? for 20 wings. $.60 per wing? They are tasty, but that seems steep. Especially when the wife got fish and chips for $6.99 and a salad with grilled chicken breast for $8.99 (I think).

I don't like how when I walk in the door every fucking waitress screams, "Welcome to Hooters!" That is gay. It's bad enough that Wal-Mart (which I loathe) has greeters. I don't need them at Hooters.

I don't like how low their lights and that cable they slide their orders on. I'm 6'3", but I shouldn't have to duck.

I don't like how the Playboy article above the urinals has stuff over the Hooters girls nipples. Can't I at least see some nipples. Besides, the only people tall enough to see the goddamn articles are old enough to buy Playboy.

Cocksuckers. We'll probably go again this week. Maybe I'll have a chicken sandwich this week.

I'll be damned.

2005-03-01T16:38:00.000-05:00

Over 200 visitors to this place. I don't know what that means. I know Joe and Adam visit. Who the fuck else does? Leave me some feedback. I will warn you though, negative feedback will earn you a nasty reply for all to see. So tell your friends. Let me know what you want to hear my opinion about. Visit often.

My "Big Brother"

2005-03-01T16:34:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows me or reads my blog knows that I work for the government. Which is fine and all, until they block the "blogspot.com" domain. Fuckers. I swear to god, these assholes sit in their IT rooms and watch what my computer does. If they deem it too fun or interesting, they block it from me and read it themselves. Reading blogs is no worse than working with idiots. They only allow working with idiots. Fucking A.

gotta love the white....

2005-02-28T17:16:00.000-05:00

...err not this kind. It's snowing like hell. NYC and NE get ready. I don't know if you have idiots like we do here. Snow causes people to drive like idiots to the grocery store to buy bread, milk and eggs. I drove to the grocery store because my bread had green shit on it, not because the ground had white shit on it.

Send some good china white here.

You can't take away my pride

2005-02-28T17:11:00.000-05:00

Saturday nite, the wife and I met up with some friends at a bar over in Harrisburg. I'll spare you the details. However, I am standing at the bar to get a Miller Lite and am surveying the scene. My glancing stops on a guy wearing a hat that said "NATIVE PRIDE". I'm not really sure what to think of that.

Battling buzzwords

2005-02-28T16:47:00.000-05:00

Joe got me thinking about these foolish buzzwords here.

While I am gainfully employed, I am not happy with my work or the future of this work. Therefore, I have been searching for jobs for the past 8 mos. or so. Anyway, job ads are the worst for using stupid jargon. What the fuck? You are trying to impress me? Doesn't it usually go the other way around?

In the Sunday Patriot-News, 2/27/05, C3 I found an interesting article about this crap. Here are the words they mention:

accountability management
paradigm
re-engineering
core competancy
value added
win-win
thinking outside the box
hit the ground running
24/7
net-net
push the envelope
low-hanging fruit
synergy
results-driven
mindset
strategic fit
proactive
empower
client focused
knowledge base
out of the loop
best practice
game plan
at the end of the day
bottom line
benchmark
fast track
leverage

Why do business peeps speak like idiots? Because they are. I still need a job, but if you work at a family-owned company or use language similar to the aforementioned, don't bother me. You are a fuck. Hire your goddamn cousin and chew his ear off about what best practices and core competancies will put you on the fast track to leveraging the pardigm shift which will push the envelope to create a win-win situation 24/7 so that at the end of the day you have a client driven benchmark that not only changes the mindset of others, but the bottom line as well. You would be foolish to be out of the loop with this proactive approach to establishing a strategic fit. Who doesn't want to hit the ground running by thinking outside the box?

You fucks. Suck on my low-hanging fruit.

myTunes

2005-02-24T20:37:00.000-05:00

Goddamn. You people just get wet thinking about your iPod. Now that you can put all of your tunes on one thingy, it's cool to have headphones on all of the time? Just not my bag--to have headphones on all of the time.

Joe pissed me off. Everyone of Korn's albums have been good--so back off. Let Head go to jesus (yes, with a small j). The fewer jf's the better. subsequent five awful albums--I think not. Enough fucking with Korn.

Joe did give me an idea about recent tunes I've been into:

Ah! Leah!, Donnie Iris: Yep. The only station at work we can get (that isn't country or pop) is The River. Not entirely a bad station. Anyway, this Donnie Iris song (actually the only Donnie Iris song) is good. Download it. Adam, you should sample this shit somehow.

Galvanize, Chemical Bros.: Yes, the song, but also the whole album. I just enjoy it.

Word Up, Korn (Cameo cover): Good cover, love Korn, Joe doesn't agree. That's all.

That's what I've got for now. A fucked up mixture of tunes. Deal with it.

Coming soon: Links over here--------------------------------------------------------------->

You'll have this and you'll like it

2005-02-24T20:27:00.000-05:00

It's been a week. That's my fault. I've got the new PC up and running. It is marvelous. You never realize how bad shit is until it gets better. That fucking thing was a sled. If anyone knows how to get my emails off of the old one, and on to my new one, let me know. I can't figure it out.

First off, flat panels are far superior to CRTs. Less heat, easier on the eyes. I didn't order any speakers with the new PC when I bought it. I didn't like the options that Dell had. Since I got the Sound Blaster Audigy blah blah blah 5.1 Dolby blah blah blah, I wanted to get a decent set of speakers, but not $350 decent. Shit, I only paid $800 for my Klipsch home theatre speakers. I be damned if I spend 1 1/2 that much on PC speakers. Anyway, I kept reading about these Logitech 5.1 THX certified speakers, that everyone said were great. Still too salty. Well, I found a set of 5.1 logitechs on Amazon for $44.94 shipped. Sign me up. So far so good. My douchebag neighbor is home, so I haven't been able to crank them yet. I'll report at a later time.

Get off!!!

2005-02-16T17:13:00.000-05:00

T-minus 3 to 5 business days until my new PC arrives.

It's about fucking time I got a new one. The one I have has been in service since 1998 and is upraded to the hilt. It has been a good friend to me, however it just can't keep up anymore. Hell, it takes 11 minutes to boot up into windows. That ain't right.

I've got a 3.2GHz P4 with 1 Gig of RAM on the way. (yes, i did say one GIG of RAM. That means I could run Adam's music software if I had a mac). Is it top of the line? No, not really. It's just a step up from my 350MHz PII with 384mb of RAM.

Additionally, I will be able to step into the present-day and burn CDs and DVDs. The DVDs may be of the Dual-layer variety if I choose.

So back it up. I am excited.

NHL means....

2005-02-14T21:37:00.000-05:00

the Not Here League.

You all are fuckers. What a disgrace. Greedy fucks again screw the working man who fills their bank accounts. I'm not going to place blame on either side--I am going to blame all parties involved. You all are ignorant fucks. Take some more time off. See if the "welcome" back is gonna be easier. Of course, I could never get fans to boycott...too many lemmings (just like Ray Charles).

No matter. Bettman you suck. Owners you suck. Players you suck. I'm no huge NHL fan, but this shit is ridiculous.

Here is the solution: salary caps, revenue sharing, and contraction.

Send me a job as a negotiator here.

Sugar Ray

2005-02-14T21:26:00.000-05:00

Nope. Not about boxing. How about Ray Charles? Yep.

First off, Variable Andrew doesn't watch awards shows. I don't need to see a bunch of overpaid (and usually undertalented) actors/"musicians" pontificate about how they couldn't have done it without the support of blah, blah, blah, and blah while wearing their Armani whatever. Suck a dick people. Shameless PR stunt? Why yes, that's what it is. Do pro sports have "awards" ceremonies similar to the Grammy's? Nope. (Nascar has a banquet and that is it. NASCAR drivers actually work for a living, and would prefer not to be in the spotlight. So NASCAR can do what they want. Besides, NASCAR is more popular than all of the Grammy winning fuckers combined.)

Anyway, what's bothering me is about Ray Charles. The last people to give a fuck about Ray were Pepsi and the Blues Brothers (maybe Sesame Street. I can't remember. Too much alcohol...). All of sudden, BLAD-OW!!!! The old boy passes on. Now we have a movie. Now we have a tribute album. Now we have 8 Grammy's in one night. Now we have an obsession with Ray. We doesn't include me. I have always known he was great. I don't own any of his CDs. It's too bad that even in entertainment, people's legacies aren't fully understood until after they're gone. All of you fuckers who hopped on the Ray Charles bandwagon ought to "eat shit and die".

P.S. I bet "Ray" gets best picture. You wait...more poseurs are lurking...

Did you ever know...

2005-02-11T16:34:00.000-05:00

that you're my hero??? Lame intro, I know. Here are some of my heroes of the day. I, nor any of the staff here at Variable Andrew, condone what these people did. I just happen to like the common theme: Booze

Banks and Fresh Breath
I don't need to say much here. Just love the resourcefulness.

Mr. DWI
Buddy, you fucking rule. I thought I used to work with Mr. DWI. I was mistaken. I'm just not sure why you're not in jail. Persistence is quite the virtue, and you have it down.

Send some booze for the weekend here.

Sheer Genius

2005-02-11T15:49:00.000-05:00

I found some great shit to bitch about today. The common them is stupidity. For whatever reason, I can never get over what a bunch of morons walk around this planet. You'd think I would just accept the fact that fuckingmorons exist, and always will. Here are the fools I came across today:

Valentine's Day Mass Suicide-Read my previous post on suicide. Look, I'm not going to get up on my soap box and proclaim that suicide is selfish and blah, blah, blah. If you honestly think that suicide is a good idea, you need some goddamn happy pills or need to seek help. With that said, suicide is an inner problem for individuals. SOOOO...how fucking dumb are you are to agree to take part in a mass suicide? Honestly, I had people talk me into drinking/eating/smoking/watching/doing things. I just don't see how someone could convince you to kill yourself. How does that conversation go? Anyway, this dope probably wanted to rob these people's houses after they were dead to support his meth habit. Maybe Joe can explain the "Suicide Clubs" in Japan...

The Baby Thrower-Yes, you are brilliant. Ever heard of adoption? Hey, what about an abortion? Oh wait, your morals are so high that you can't deal with abortion, but you'll abandon/mistreat a baby? You are a fuck. What, you'd be excommunicated from your family for having a baby? Please. I'm not gonna get all sappy here, but for fuck's sake, the baby was born healthy. People spend lots of loot to have a baby and never can. Yet you take this for granted. Patricia Pokriots, you are a fuck. I'd like to toss your ass out a fucking car window. Then I would give you the customary VariableAndrew shout out: "Eat shit and die" followed by me spitting on your road-rashed face.

Virginia Is For Lovers-How about this one instead, "Virginia Is For Stupid Fuckers". I don't have a link for this one. I'm sure you've all heard. VA lawmakers wanted to pass a law fining people for wearing their pants too low and/or having their underwear hanging out. First off, if you think that looks good, you are a fucking retard. Keep in mind, these people also thought that Kris Kross wearing their clothes backwards was cool. I don't care to see your boxers or your thong. There are some of each in my home. No asshole, I don't wear a thong. If you are a legislator and feel this is a pressing problem, you also are a fucking retard. With all of the plight in the world (starving babies, AIDS, tsunamis, racism, global warming, rain forests, etc.) this is the best way to spend money/time/effort? GoddamnfuckingretardedVirginians. I would expect this out of state who doesn't permit the use of radar detectors. Grrrr.....Fucking Assholes! Find something better to do, like cleaning my toilet.

I just wanted to fill everyone in on some fuckingassholecocksuckingretardeddickheads I noticed to day.

Some "good mail"

2005-02-10T16:09:00.000-05:00

When I was a Freshman, I had this pretty cool english prof. Anyway, somehow through class-related discussion, she mentioned how she used to get "good mail". Back when she was in college, this involved one of her friends mailing mushrooms to her. Sorry lady, that sounds like GREAT mail to me.

I didn't get any 'shrooms, but my recent ebay and half.com orders arrived. I won an auction for the book, "Your Marketing Sucks" by Mark Stevens and bought SOCOM II for PS2. Lady, that's what I would call good mail. I will report back on these items.

Send some "great mail" here.

PBR, and it has nothing to do with bull riding.

2005-02-09T17:20:00.000-05:00

The bar I frequent got rid of Busch Lite in favor of PBR. At first, I was shocked. How can you get rid of BUSCH?!?!?!?! I would still drink it but I have to watch my figure. Anyway, I drank some PBR last night and thoroughly enjoyed it. Fantastic for a change. Plus, it is $1.50/bottle. Yes, a buck and a half. That's how we do it in Mech'burg bitches!

Speaking of Mech'burg, after leaving Westy's, the first strange thing I saw was a man driving an S-10 pickup without a driver-side door. Reading this now, you're not finding it that funny. However, when this guys tears ass out of a parking lot across 2 lanes of traffic, with more body roll than a fat chick, it is funnyashell. After regaining my composure, I see a license plate that says,
"MECH BG". It was on a Grand Marquis, with the Landau Top. So you know it was some old head. Mech'burg spans generations. You heard it hear first.

Send me some PBR for an occasional treat, here.

All apologies

2005-02-09T17:09:00.000-05:00

I talk about sports on here too much. Whatthefuck? Oh well. I will do my best to stray away from that subject.

So, today is Ash Wednesday. I am not going to church. I am having meat for dinner. I will have meat on Fridays as well.

Back to sports though. Thanks to the Super Bowl, I have had a revelation. With beer running dangerously low, I purchased 2 six-packs of Miller Lite Pounders to tide us over. Well, let me tell you what--I'm feelin' the pounders.

So today, at Westy's, I surveyed the scene. The usual 30pk. of mine has 360oz. of "premium taste", while a case of pounders has 384oz. of MillerLiteGoodness. A 24oz. difference and the same price! I don't know how this passed me by. I must be losing my mind.

I can believe that I have been getting ripped-off 2 beers. Sham! Believe me you, I don't blame Westy's. I blame myself, which according to the wife, never happens. I'll confess to her later.

Send a case of Miller Lite Pounders and some more beer logic here.

my b

2005-02-07T17:43:00.000-05:00

Weekends aren't really that productive for me--unless productivity entails drinking. Friday nite, got smashed. Saturday nite, drank nothing. Saw some of my friends, went to see my other friends' band play. Sunday, the Super Bowl of course.

Just so you all know, I picked all but one game of the post-season correct. I fucked up the ATL/PHI game, simply because I wanted PHI to lose.

I won't dwell on the Super Bowl, but here are a few things:
-25 yrs. until the Eagles make another appearance.
-I would say Freddie Mitchell is a "has been", but actually he is a "never was".
-Rodney Harrison should have been MVP
-TO did a nice job, but ran for the sideline the first chance he got.
-Monkey commercials were probably the best (ok, godaddy.com was good too).
-The coin toss was a fucking joke.
-Paul McCartney was great (from the 10 sec. I saw while downing a JaegerBomb).
-I need and want HDTV

Send your opinions and HDTV here.

morons

2005-02-02T21:41:00.000-05:00

Currently, I sort paper for a living. That's about all I can tell you--classified govt. stuff. I sort the paperwork from the warehouse at a large government distribution center.

Now to the point. These people that work out in this warehouse are the laziest, stupidest, and most oblivious people I have ever encountered in my life thus far.

Case in point:

Example #1:

Parking lot construction. Warehouse peeps use different entrance now. All of the sudden, streaks and drips of dirtiness appearin the hallway. "Yes, asshole, you spilled your whole cup of coffee on the floor before you even punched in. There is this trail of funk that these assholes leave--funk includes trash, spills, dirt, etc.

Example #2:

Vending room. The vending room consists of 4-5 vending machines with a couple of tables and chairs within a 10-20 sq. ft. area. 8am, it's clean and orderly (before assholes' break). 9:15, tables, chairs, food wrappers, spills everywhere (the same minute the assholes' break ends).

Example #3:

Their paperwork that I sort. Pretty straight-forward stuff. Put X paperwork in X bin. Put Y paperwork in Y bin. Put Z paperwork in Z bin. This is far beyond comprehension of these fools.
THERE ARE ONLY 3 KINDS OF PAPERWORK, AND 3 CORRESPONDING BINS. (I am sorry to yell like that. Idiocy does that to me.)

Example #4:

More paperwork. Okay, moron, I understand that you need to attach 2 papers together. You don't need to staple each of the 4 corners together and tape around the edges. I really don't think that it is going to fall apart during the trip from your pile of paper to the bin it is supposed to go in (which is different than the bin that you'll put it in.)

The funny thing is, it is always the same idiots that do the same things. I would love to be the bank teller when they cash their paycheck. I would staple/fold/tape/tear their cash together and stuff it in their envelope.

The best part of this whole thing is, that I saw a real fucking asshole that I went to high school with working out there. His paperwork is pretty pathetic as well. The best part is, he thought he was soooo cool in high school. So did some of the whores I went to high school with. Well, he's pretty cool working in the warehouse with his fantastic high school athletic career and feeling up high school whores behind him. Just so you know, B.S. I felt whores up too, and did just fine in interscholastic competition. Now I have a college degree (which must have been too hard for you--'cause you did start college...), a beautiful wife, and more hope for the rest of my life than you will ever have. Just tell your douchebag buddies that one staple will do and that scissors are for cutting, so you don't have to tear papers.

P.S. While your hair was apparently cool back in the day, uh, it's time for a change. The fro-buzz cut was always gay, but now it's even gay-er

Okay, what the fuck?

2005-02-02T21:31:00.000-05:00

kandoo

What the fuck is this? A frog? A lizard?

Being a former student of the advertising and PR part of the world, I wonder what exactly Proctor and Gamble was thinking when they decided this was the best way to get little kids to wipe their own asses.

I don't know whether "Kandoo" is a frog or a lizard, but if you know let me know here.

If you find this as hilarious as I do or otherwise, leave a comment.

Imagine if they advertised condoms or tampons this way...

Where is Sinead O'Connor?

2005-02-01T18:20:00.000-05:00

I heard that the Pope is in the hospital. Does anyone else feel that he is like the Royal Family (that would be the royal family of Great Britain/United Kingdom/England)? Honestly, what does this old boy do?

Send me a job description of the Pope and Prince Charles here.

More Fucking Idiots

2005-02-01T18:03:00.000-05:00

Yes, the drivers in the Harrisburg metro area are on my fuckingshitlist again.

This AM, about 6:40, merging onto 581, some douchebag in the right lane (while the left lane was completely open), decides to run up on the car in front of me at 70+ mph with his horn on.

This is perplexing to me. I am one of the more ignorantprickdrivers on the road, but given space, I will even move left to let traffic merge. This guy, no. He wanted that right lane. What an ass. Usually lane problems involve the opposite...the left lane vigilante. Read more about that phenomenon and others here. Mike Straka knows what I mean.

PennDot is another bunch of Fucking Idiots. They decided to install signs on the capital beltway. AT 8AM THIS MORNING. Now, I was already at work, but this is the kind of shit that doesn't help the traffic situation around here. "Let's close the left lane on the main highway." Good idea assholecocksuckermuthafuckingdicks.

I should explain. Harrisburg, has some shitty traffic. Worse than the St. Louis Metro area, for example. The roads around here simply cannot handle the traffic. All we have are 4-lane (2 ea. way) highways/expressways/throughways. The drivers around here can't handle it. You know, you drive in/around large metro areas, "it's either, shit or get off the commode". People understand and respect the needs of all of those involved in traffic. Here, no chance. So PennDOT (PA Dept. of Transportation) decides to help us all out--by using morning rush hour to put up signs. These signs were probably "Adopt a Highway" or "Food/Gas Next Exit" signs. You know, the real important ones.

Send some intelligent highway administrators, a cannon for my honda, or a helicopter for me to commute in here.

It's Black...It's White

2005-02-01T17:53:00.000-05:00

With the king of pop in the news (no, I won't discuss it unless there is significant demand--which I doubt there will be), why not use an MJ song title to describe something today?

Black and White (er, maybe greyscale) describes my computer display. Fuck. It boots up into windows in color and then switches to this really annoying shit. Fuck.

I understand that my PC is older than most people's cars, but comethefuckon.

On an unrelated note, Joe sent me a gmail invite. Now I am cool.

Soooo, following Joe's example, send a new computer (or at least a fix to my monochrome madness) here.

Craig, the word for the day is job. J-O-B.

2005-01-31T17:40:00.000-05:00

While the lucrative world of being a govt. contractor is nice--great pay, super-casual dress code (yes, sweatpants, flannel shirt, and slippers will do), and unlimited break/nap/internet time--I need a more career oriented job.

Send me some freelance (or permanent) writing/proofreading/PR/advertising work or a truck with a snow plow.

Drop it like it's hot

2005-01-31T17:21:00.000-05:00

Anyway, today I went to the Bon-Ton. It's a department store around these parts. Generally, they have nice stuff (by my standards anyway), but I don't shop there that often. Hell, I don't shop anywhere, except Westy's that often.

So, the mother-in-law bought me a couple really nice shirts for xmas. Except, they are a little small right now. After washing these 100% cotton garments, they will probably be a lot small. I grabbed the 2 shirts (and the gift receipts) and headed out.

I walk into the store with the shirts and straight to the service counter. In front of me is some weirdo asking how to get to the nearest Aldi. Which is fine. So I'm up next. Here's how the dialog went:

Customer Service Lady (CSL): May I help you?
Andrew(A): Yes, I would like to exchange these 2 shirts for larger sizes.

CSL: Well, first off, let me tell you that you should never walk into a store with items not in a bag. A Wal-Mart or Grocery bag is fine.
A: I don't have any bags, and I have the receipts.

CSL: You can go...blah, blah, blah. Okay?
A: Well, would you like to give me a bag so I don't get tackled on my way to the Men's section?

CSL: I guess I can.
A: Yeah, I don't want anymore trouble. Thanks.

What the fuck? I understand this old lady's point, but since when is it the job of a retailer (let alone this old hag), to chastise their customers? Yeah, give me some warm fuzzies you menopausal bitch.

FYI to the bitch: I used to work at The Home Depot. They will take almost anything back. HD's return policy is very customer friendly. They would never scold a customer for bringing a shit-stained toilet seat back without a bag or receipt. Ever hear, "Customer's always right.", BITCH. Now you get the customary, "Eat Shit and Die". Maybe a call to your store manager, because, "Why yes, I am a prick". See below.

"Why yes, I am a prick."

2005-01-28T15:50:00.000-05:00

The whole entity that is snail-mail is an interesting one. I enjoy the USPS. They've really got some great things going on. Anyway, I have had nothing but good experiences with the local post office.

I look forward to getting the mail. It's like Xmas without the Jesus and Santa shit. Today, I received the following: Health Ins. crap from my employer, Hollywood Video Coupons, and Credit Card offers. The first two were good--coupons are never bad and the Health Ins. crap came with a free beer huggie (or whateverthefuckitscalled).

Now to my point: Credit Card offers. I don't want these or the 29.99% interest rate cards these fools are pushing. So, starting last week, I open all of these offers and keep the SASE's. I seal them up and mail them to the credit card companies empty. That way, they have to pay the postage (FOR NOTHING!) and it provides increased job security for my boys up @ the 17055/17050 P.O.

Fuckingassholecreditcardcompanies. Like I am going to accept a credit card offer with some shitty rate and my name is spelled wrong. Or like the wife is going to accept an offer with a shitty rate and her maiden name. Get your shit straight cockfaces!

The only good things that credit card companies do are these: 1)Sponsor NASCAR races and 2)Give drunk sports fans free bobble-heads/towels/t-shirts/visors/etc.

While I do enjoy the USPS, think they should up the price of a stamp to $.50 and close on Saturdays. That way I don't have to worry about buying $.03 stamps to match up to the worthless $.34 stamps I have a shitload of. They could leave the stamp prices alone for 10 years that way, and not pissmethefuckoff.

The moral today: I am a fucking prick, who loves the USPS, hates credit card companies, and would love for all of you to mail your credit card offer reply envelopes back empty to show those evil credit card companies who the boss is. (Does a "Do Not Mail" list exist?)

Here are this week's offending companies:
Providian (x2)
AT&T Universal
One other that I forget

Jesus Built My HotRod

2005-01-27T19:06:00.000-05:00

Yes, it is true. Meanwhile these folks make music:

Uncle Dad and The Drunken Swimmers
--My friend Joe is a member. Go see them. A good time will be had by all. Based in NYC. The fact that they play in NYC is confirmation you will have a good time.

Redroom
--I'm friends with the entire band. Female lead singer. Mostly original music, however, a source close to the band has informed me that there are multiple new cover songs on the way.
Check out their site, show up at a show, and see me be fall-down drunk. Feel free to ask me for schedule updates, as their website isn't exactly up-to-date. Based in Mech'burg. Follow me to the $4 pitchers of Natural Light...

American Fuck(s)

2005-01-27T18:46:00.000-05:00

The Fucks that I speak of are the people on American Idol and The Simple Life. Right now, they are in a tie as being the stupidest and most banal television programs ever.

They will remain tied because that is the first time I had ever seen parts of either program. It will also be the last. I would rather slam my hand in a car door than watch that again.

That shit is so rigged, overproduced, and scripted. If you feel otherwise, you probably feel the Eagles will win the Super Bowl and you smoke lots of this:

the good stuff

If the sight of marijuana upsets you, then fuckoff. Tell everyone you know that you saw marijuana on http://variableandrew.blogspot.com . If marijuana is one of the biggest problems in the world, in your pathetic little mind, then you suck, should eat shit, and die.

Andrew, nor variableandrew.blogspot.com, condones, promotes, or facilitates the use of marijuana for recreational or medicinal purposes. Andrew, and variableandrew.blogspot.com would much rather prefer you went skiing.

The bottom line is that those shows are fuckingbeat. Watch the Food Network instead.

Coming soon...

2005-01-24T17:09:00.000-05:00

...from an asshole named Andrew...Pictures. I just found the goddamncocksuckingusbcable for my motherfuckingcamera. Requests?

Ain't nothin' but a G thang

2005-01-24T17:07:00.000-05:00

I want a gmail account. If you've got any invites or know who does, let me know.

My deepest apologies

2005-01-24T16:57:00.000-05:00

There has been quite a raucous due to my lack of posting. I am sorry. I don't always get to it on the weekend. Saturday was devoted to snow removal. Which was gay. Sunday was devoted to football. Which was only half gay.

My playoff picks were decent. I batted .750 in the 1st round and .500 in the divisionals. Oh well.

Unfortunately, the sports media are misled. The real story behind the Super Bowl matchup is that the Patriots made it (3 of the past 4 years), not that the Eagles made it. Fortunately, Philly will lose and it will be 24 more years until they're in the Super Bowl again.

Whoever says the Patriots won't win, please send some of what you're smoking to me. It's too early for me to predict anything more in depth that a Pats win. Stay tuned.

Here you go...

2005-01-24T16:48:00.000-05:00

Found this on the HD. Enjoy or die.

Burnin' down the House

2005-01-21T08:23:00.000-05:00

Another Harrisburg restaurant burned down the other night. "Doe and Jerry's House of Q", in Wormleysburg is now history. See "Is it supposed to Burn when I Pee?" for more on this.

asshat Michael Newdow

2005-01-19T20:02:00.000-05:00

Thanks for wasting my tax dollars, pal. All because "God" was mentioned in the inauguration. Get a life buddy. You lost this one just like the pledge of allegiance and your daughter.

I'm glad Newdow feels that fighting to keep the mention of "God" out of everything is a huge problem that needs solved. Way to keep the judicial branch flowing smoothly.

P.S. Don't tell him that "In God We Trust" is written on every piece of money in his pocket. He'll propose we go back to using sea shells and beads or something.

P.P.S. I just spell-checked this entry, and Blogger suggested "POOH" for Newdow. Makes you wonder, huh?

Intelligent Design, Unintelligent People

2005-01-19T19:34:00.000-05:00

Okay, close to Mech'burg (okay, 30 min.) is Dover, PA. Home of the recent integration of "Intelligent Design" into the Biology classes along with 'ole Darwin. They've drawn the eye of the national media.

Here's the deal. If you want to argue Evolution vs. Creationism, go ahead. Neither side will ever convince the other to see things their way. Keep in mind these two things: Darwin had a THEORY. The Bible is FICTION. This post has nothing to do with either theory, just my theory.

My theory is about how stupid the cocksuckingmotherfucking Dover school board was to do this. For anyone around central PA, you know that Dover is a shithole, do nothing, excuse for a town. They are best known (prior to this shit) for having a plethora of used car dealers. So now they've gone from used cars to how the world came to be.

Good way to spend your meager tax base--FIGHTING THE ACLU. Please. The ACLU will spend more on lawyers than the Dover SD spends on these science teachers' salary. I wonder why 2 school board members stepped down. I wonder why the science teachers refused to read the "statement" to their classes. The statement basically said that alternate explanations existed and invited the students to read about them in "Of People and Of Pandas" (or something like that), which is the biology book.

While the statement was harmless, the intent is not. Dover Area School District is not a top-tier school district in Central PA. So, in an attempt to put themselves on the map, they pick this controversial subject. Geez. Improve your test scores. Improve something. This is not an improvement.

If this entry angers you, I am right. If you agree with this entry, I am right. If you fit into either of these categories, call the media and send me an email. Let's get it on.

P.S. "God is dead, and no one cares"--Trent Reznor, who is Nine Inch Nails

goddamit goddamit

2005-01-19T19:14:00.000-05:00

Well, 3 of 4 isn't bad. I just hate the Eagles--therefore I picked MN. Correction, Eagles fans. Yes, that's right, Eagles fans. Eagles fans are the biggest bunch of crybaby cocksuckers that I have ever seen/heard in my life. OOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhhhh, I'm in Philly @ an Eagles game and I'M NOT ROUTING FOR THE EAGLES...you'd better physically threaten me with the possibility of throwing batteries or empty (plastic) beer bottles at my head. Boy, that'll really straighten me out.

Wake up assholes. You have ONE (1) NFC Championship, ONE (1) Super Bowl appearance, and ONE (1) Super Bowl loss. That is it. That's impressive. Just about the same as the Carolina Panthers, but wait, how long have they been in the league? Oh yeah...not that long...

Enough of that shit. Here's the picks for this week, don't doubt my NE pick this week like you did last week:

New England Patriots-Granted, PGH has a nice D, but the QB will not withstand a situation even close to the one last week with Manning. Any team that has a WR playing DB against Manning will beat any other team. One more thing--Corey Dillon. Weather? Please.

Atlanta Falcons-First off, MN didn't even belong in the playoffs (neither did GB, but both made it by default--NFC=Shit). The Eagles have had off too long. ATL's D is much better than MN's, so do not expect the same result. Vick will drive the geriatric Kearse and Trotter crazy. Don't even make me mention the ATL running game (minus Vick) and this other guy, uh, Crumpler, I think.

My life just wouldn't be complete without Eagles fans having nothing to cry about.

Money in the Bank

2005-01-14T18:39:00.000-05:00

Three day weekend=gold.

If you don't have one, call Al Sharpton.

If you do have one, get really fucked up watching the playoffs this weekend.

My picks (straight up, in no particular order):
Steelers
Falcons
Vikings
Patriots

Hair

2005-01-14T18:28:00.000-05:00

Today, I am standing in line at Westy's waiting patiently to pay for my 30pk. of Miller Lite. There is this goof in front of me buying a case of Milwaukee's Best. So, I am looking at his hair. Brown hair with the blond tips. Whatthefuckisupwiththat? I'm thinking, "Buddy, why do you think that looks good? Does your mother get her hair frosted too? A little bonding time with mumsy?" Anyway, I have noticed this before, but I never really thought about how utterly stupid it is and looks. Of course, the kid leaves with his case of Milwaukee's Best, and hops into the gayest vehicle in the parking lot--a Dodge Dakota Crew Cab with every aftermarket accessory (faux hood scoops, roof rack, side steps, taillight covers, big obnoxious Dodge logo on tonneau cover, smoke guards, mud flaps, dual exhaust with giant tips, and the kicker---since the truck was white, he painted select interior pieces white.) Let me tell you something, the last feature (painted interior pieces) really means this douche knows what's up. I have a feeling this kid had a mullet growing up.

Need For Speed

2005-01-14T18:23:00.000-05:00

I've already plugged Firefox here. If you don't have it, get it. If you have it, check this out:

1. Type about:config into the address bar and hit return.

2. Alter the entries as follows (by double clicking each entry):

Set network.http.max-connections to 48

Set network.http.max-connections-per-server to 24

Set network.http.max-persistent-connections-per-proxy to 12

Set network.http.max-persistent-connections-per-server to 6

Set network.http.pipelining to true

Set network.http.proxy.pipelining to true

Set network.http.pipelining.maxrequests to 8. Any more and you may get banned from the site visited, as it may be viewed as DOS attack. Try a higher value say upto 32 but be prepared to lower the value if sites fail to load.

3. Lastly right-click anywhere and select New-> Integer

Name it nglayout.initialpaint.delay and set its value to 0.
This value is the amount of time the browser waits before it acts on information it recieves.

If you're using a broadband connection you'll load pages 2-3 times faster now, even if a dial-up connection it will still be faster than before. Get ready to fly.

watch the bodies drop

2005-01-10T19:33:00.000-05:00

Just intsalled my new counter, from statcounter. Sitemeter=broken. Anyway, if you are here, thanks for coming--please come back. Feel free to bookmark and/or link to my page. Let me know what your URL is. I would love to see it.

Here are two of my favorites:

Blogsplotation This is my friend Joe's. He's my inspiration. He lives in NYC.

AtomicBlueBlog I stumbled across this one today. Funny as Fuck. He lives near me.

Go to both of these now.

Is it supposed to burn when I pee?

2005-01-10T19:09:00.000-05:00

I almost forgot this tidbit of local Harrisburg news...the Camp Hill diner is burning (again) as we speak. Anyone familiar with the "CH (say it: "chuh") diner" knows that it just burned a couple of years ago. Where will the late-night, coffee-drinking, poetry-reading assholes go now??? Funny fires start around here-- 3 KoKoMo fires, 2 CH Diner fires, 1 El Rodeo fire, and an Arby's fire. CH Diner's got some catching up to do...

If they're gonna drown, put a hose in their mouth

2005-01-10T19:06:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching ABC News. Tonight, up to 40 inches of snow are expected to fall on top of the 228 in. the Sierra Nevada has received since Dec. 28th. Here, in the Harrisburg, PA Metro area, we have received a "trace" of snow all winter. That's some fuckedupshit.

my way or the highway

2005-01-07T16:29:00.000-05:00

I forgot to plug FireFox. If you have been living in a cave, you need to get this browser. It is much more stable than any version of MS IE I've ever had. It even has a built-in Pop-up blocker. How can you go wrong? Just quit yer bitchin' and go here.

Urinal Phenomenon

2005-01-07T16:13:00.000-05:00

I was in the bathroom today thinking about the weird shit I've seen men do at a urinal. Not that I am watching men pee, but you'll see what I mean:

What's with flushing the urinal upon approach?
Is the smell of urine wafting from the urinal that bad? Is your piss too good to mix with others'? What really gets me is nobody that does this ever flushes when they are done.

Why would you want to hold onto the flush handle while peeing?
Are you on a fucking motorcycle? Do you have to piss so bad that the stream of urine is going to throw you backwards? I'm sorry, I would rather not hold onto anything that somebody touched after touching their cock. Use your elbow to flush, that's why you have one.

Hand(s) on the wall?
See above. Is pissing such an orgasmic experience that you have to brace yourself? Is the bathroom floor slanting downward towards the urinal? Put your hand(s) at your side(s), cause you look like a fucking retard. Two hands on the wall makes you look like you are a fucking retard getting frisked prior to being cuffed.

You are over six feet tall, but rather than use an open stall, you'd prefer to stand next to somebody and use the midget urinal?
First off, that violates bathroom/urinal ettiquette. My friend Joe (I think it was Joe) sent me a cool flash game years ago explaining urinal selection ettiquette. (If anyone has this, let me know.) I'm 6'3", and I think that I'd have an easier time taking a dump in the midget urinal, than pissing in it. Go use a fucking stall, asshat mullet.

Flushing half way through your piss?
Is there some rule that you can't leave the bathroom until the urinal is done running and you are trying to multi-task? Due to the variances in water pressure, no 2 urinals run for the same time. Therefore your flush is a waste because you are still leaving pissy water for the aforementioned "approach flusher".

I apologize for this post, because any man who read it will never go to a urinal again without thinking of this post. So tell your friends to visit.

You act like you knew

2005-01-06T16:48:00.000-05:00

Alright, I have decided that I need several things here:
-Links
-More Pics
-A counter
-email for this blog

Somebody explain to me what my motivation for cutting some asshole of at 6:45am in the rain would be? I can't figure it out, but some assclown flipped me the highbeams this morning when I passed him and pulled in to a space that was big enough for a semi. No I don't drive a semi.

Road rage is something that I get. Shit, everyone gets it--don't lie to yourself. Most of the time I get it because of other people. If nobody talked on their goddamnmotherfuckingcellphones, the roads would be a lot safer. Ladies, the purse is a no-no as well. Let me put it this way: try to rub your stomach (in a circular motion) and pat your head at the same time. Not that easy is it?

And fuckyoucocksuckers who don't move to the empty left lane to let traffic merge--would you let the door at a store slam in someone's face? Most people wouldn't.

Somebody have Monster Garage change my Honda into a flame-spewing asshole driver-ramming beast.

Orange Bowl = Dumb

2005-01-05T17:48:00.000-05:00

"you got knocked da fuck out!"

That's exactly what happened to OU last night. I could really give a fuck, except I bet the wife that OU would win and that I'd take the over. Fuck me.

The reason for Ali above is simple. The game was such a drag that we found a vintage 1975 Ali fight to watch instead. Much better.

In addition, we watched 2 episodes of Dog The Bounty Hunter. It is quickly becoming my favorite show. Quality programming.

Back to the game, er, actually halftime. It was obscene. It took too long--so we happened to catch Ashlee Simpson finishing the performance. Wretched. She wasn't lip-sync queen last nite. She was poserbadasscantsingtosavemylife queen. I am dead serious--the cunt cannot sing. I can sing better. If you don't believe me, ask the wife. Ashlee Simpson's up on this stage with a big anarchy symbol painted on some sort of stage aparatus singing with this retard band (who I guess was supposed to be "hard" but the sequins kind of negated any initial impression of "hardness") and waving her non-mic hand like she was some (c)rapper. I guess the whole halftime performance was some sort of medley involving multiple "artists" and she was the anchor singer. I am glad she was the anchor singer. The Orange Bowl booed the bitch--because she sounded like shit, the whole SNL debacle, the fact that she is quasi-famous b/c of her much-hotter sister and manipulative father, she can't sing, and because she spells her name like an ass (I can live with Ashleigh, but A-S-H-L-E-Y is the proper way).

Three entities got KOs last night--Ali, USC, and the Orange Bowl.

P.S. OU fans should get back in their covered wagon and gothefuckhome. What kind of name is "Sooners" anyways.

Shangri-La

2005-01-05T16:25:00.000-05:00

Got the Linkin Park/Jay-Z CD the other day. Excellent if you like the artists involved. Even if you don't, you've got to appreciate the way they blended (orwhateverthefuckitscalled) the songs.

Mark Knopfler just came about 10 minutes ago. So far, so good. Quite a change from LP/JZ. A little easier-listening. Reminds me of a Dire Straits/Cracker mellowish kind of CD. I guess there is nothing wrong with music that isn't obscenity laden or loaded with screaming.

"I ordered a frappuccino. Where's my fucking frappuccino?"

2005-01-05T16:21:00.000-05:00

If someone attempts suicide and wants to talk to you, what do you say?

Here are the possibilities I came up with:

"Hey, heard about the pills the other night. Sorry that didn't work out for you?"

"You know, Dr. K. should be up for parole soon...just hang in there!"

"How about drinking a bottle of Dran-O and getting a rope--Home Depot's having a sale!"

"Next time, fill that bath tub up!"

I guess these responses are insensitive, but I am an insensitive kind of guy. Suicide is selfish.